Being Nice Isn't Enough

Be nice, okay? Show compassion, listen, make friends, express concern for others, give thoughtful and generous gifts, and surprise strangers with random acts of kindness every now and again.

But then, do something else too, on top of that. Be nice, but don’t be a nice guy. You should be a good guy. There’s a difference.

Kindness is the universal language, and this article does not aim to discredit compassion. The world needs more benevolence, goodwill, and care for our neighbors. All I’m saying is, you should be more than just nice.

Why? Being nice is ridiculously easy. If niceness is the highest standard you adhere to, you are setting an insultingly low bar for yourself.

Someone is described as nice if he has nothing else. It’s the cheapest, hollowest compliment, and might as well always be preceded with “atleast.”

Picture two city girls at a bustling coffee shop on a brisk Sunday morning. They sit across from each other in trendy outfits, eagerly unraveling the evening prior with ferocious and passionate enthusiasm like characters in Seinfeld or Friends. One of them went on a date last night - exciting. The other friend is ecstatic, she can’t wait to know: what’s he like?

You know what the friend is hoping for: some exciting story about why he became a pilot or his passion for rescuing animals. She wants to hear about how he told the crackhead who was getting too close to kick rocks and made a baby in a stroller laugh. Instead:

“Well… he’s nice…”

Did you hear that? That’s the sound of me throwing up. That’s disgusting.

Once again, this doesn’t mean “don’t be nice.” I’m saying nice shouldn’t be all that you are.

There is a word for a guy who uses niceness as his entire identity; he is called a push-over. You know him - the aggrieved, cookie-cutter, boring fellow who gets passed up for promotions and stood up on dates because there are no consequences for doing so.

Our generation is developing a hierarchy of values with niceness as the chief metric, and I view this as dangerous. 

In the interest of kindness, we should probably let the robbers rob and the killers kill and those who long for chaos rule the world. The thief might get upset if you ran after him for your girl’s purse. The loudmouth bitching out the fast food worker for forgetting his fries might take it personally if you told him to calm down. To be nice, we should give everyone what they want, always, and never punish anybody - discipline and rules are mean. C’est la vie, to each his own. Hopefully you can sense the sarcasm.

Yes, kindness is a virtue, but it’s not the only one - it’s the foundation upon which you must build more dynamic virtues. Stack some temperance and patience on top of that base, and you’ll be a fuller, more complete being. Throw some humility and honor on there too, and keep building. We must integrate other virtues into our lives and stop viewing kindness as the highest moral pinnacle.

I believe better moral pinnacles are courage, integrity and gratitude. They are high bars, difficult to reach - and you will fall short of them frequently. I’ve had my fair share of cowardice, dishonesty, and being unappreciative. Compassion is important, but it’s nothing to strive for; it’s what’s expected. It’s easy.

Here’s an extreme example of why you can’t place being nice above all else: You’re a German citizen during World War II protecting a family of Jews, hiding them in your basement. The SS bangs on your door and demands answers. Are there any Jews in here? The polite thing to do would be to say yes sir, of course, and kindly direct the soldiers down the stairs and under the fourteenth floorboard where the family has been anxiously huddled for weeks.

That would, obviously, also be the worst, most evil, and most cowardly thing for you to do, despite all your kindness. It might be the least bothersome, easier option - aiding the SS in their war crimes. It doesn’t mean you should do it. Clearly, it’s not the best choice. Having the courage to deny the SS any information is a better choice.

(Sidebar: I write often of the importance of telling the truth. In this instance, you would still be telling the truth by misdirecting the SS. The true question they’re asking is: Are there any Jews in here that you’ll let us capture and kill? Your answer would still be truthful: No.)

Imagine if Jesus was a nervous, hokey-pokey little kind fellow.

“Hi - hey, good morning my friend, it appears that you are unable to see? Is that correct? Yes, got it, okay, just making sure - say, would it, would it be alright if I made you see? Would that be something you’re interested in? I don’t have to if you don’t want to. Okay, you’re sure? Nifty. Well, I’m going to put my hands on your eyes here now - be careful and, would ya look at that? My friend, now you can see! How neat!”

No one is reading that story 2000 years later. As it’s told, Jesus grabbed the blind man by the shoulders, spit in the dirt, smeared mud across his eyelids, and commanded him “Go.” Go wash your face you muddy bastard, and then you’ll have vision. Also, don’t f*ckin’ tell anyone about this shit buddy. I didn’t do it for that.

Mother Teresa, Mahatma Ghandi and Martin Luther King, Jr. are noted for their compassion and care for others. They also had a strong belief in their cause, the courage to pursue it, and the rare and daring willingness to be disliked, ridiculed, and slandered.

Nelson Mandela hurt a lot of feelings with his anti-apartheid ideas. Slaveowners weren’t too fond of Harriett Tubman. Churchill said bad words and the damn redcoats sure did hate General Washington. To be great, you inevitably have to stand up for something, challenge and disagree with others, hurt some feelings, and ruffle some feathers.

“Hey… excuse me sir, can you do me a quick favor - could you, maybe, unhand that woman?” That doesn’t work.

Be interesting, be courageous, be understanding, be hilarious, be loyal, be honest, be patient, be wise, be daring, be diligent, be the life of the party, be helpful, be useful, be strong. Be someone worth respecting, be a leader, be someone who others don’t want to let down.

Be nice, be nice, be nice. You have to be nice. It’s the easiest thing in the world. You were made to share compassion and light with the world - and much, much more.

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