No One Cares

The spotlight effect is the tendency to overestimate the degree to which you are being paid attention to. As each of us is the main character and center of our own lives, we mistakenly believe that, at times, we are the main character of someone else’s life too. 

You will have relationships in your life in which you will be an integral main character. In likely a decade or less from now, your young son and daughter will view you as the center of their world. It does matter, tremendously, what your wife and children think of you, and who you are to them. But at this stage of your life - from 21 basically up until your marriage - no one cares what you do. Well, honestly, it’s not that no one cares. No one will stop you. 

No one whose opinion matters will think of you differently, and if they do, forget ‘em.

This should be liberating because - unless you have a mortgage or a child - your only responsibility is to yourself. You are not beholden to the desires of others. You are not obligated to continue on a path just because your younger self chose it.

“But what will my parents think?”

Parents were once 20-somethings too, and part of them will understand the reckless desire to quit your job and move to Europe, shave your head and become a SEAL, and start a business that no one believes will ever work. However, being a parent requires that they advise against such impulsive decision-making.

When offering objections, your parents are probably correct. It is likely not helpful for your long-term career growth to quit your job and become a barista. It is an extreme chosen few who become SEALs, and maybe that business won’t work out.

Though parents are right to question you, the choice is ultimately yours, and so are the outcomes.

And sometimes being responsible, “following the path,” does not lead to your desired outcomes. 

It is important to label your desired outcomes in their desired timeframes. Do you want to be rich? Married? Do you want to have an easy, high-status job, or a lower-paying exciting one? Do you want to be a homeowner, a father? Do you want security and stability, or the wild unknown of freedom and flexibility?

There are sacrifices both ways, always. For instance, I have an aching desire to travel the United States in an RV. To me, living in an RV, driving from town-to-town to experience the country would be paying homage to all our frontier ancestors, and would deepen my great appreciation for America, its culture, and its people. I also know that exploring America in an RV means living off of $5 Biggie Bags, sleeping in Walmart parking lots, and having to decide to get involved in or drive away from midnight domestic violence disputes.

Would it be good for my career to live in an RV? 

No.

Could I maintain a romantic relationship? 

No. 

Would it be easy? 

No. 

However:

Will living an RV for a year irreversibly stunt my career forever? 

It won’t, I can always return to making money. 

Will I never get married because one year I lived in an RV? 

If she doesn’t like me because I used to live in an RV, she was never the one anyway. 

Can I live an easy life for the rest of my life?

We shall see.

I don’t know who ShooterMackGavin is, or how I stumbled upon this tweet, given that I don’t have Twitter, but he phrases it here best:

Pausing a career and forgoing all the money associated with it may be a loss in the real world, but the friends, memories, experiences, perspectives, and depth gained from such an unconventional lifestyle outweigh the physical costs.

“But what will my friends think?”

Good friends will miss you, great friends will understand. A true friend wants more for you, and understands when you want more for yourself. In fact, the strongest friends will make it very clear when you’re not being all you could be, and will demand you to do more for yourself. 

Good Will Hunting is one of the greatest movies of all-time. For a number of reasons:

1. Two hometown best friends wrote a movie together. Damon was 22, Affleck was 20.

2. They got Robin Williams to star in it.

3. It accurately depicts strong male friendship at its deepest, most intimate level.

If you haven’t seen it, watch it immediately. Will is a genius, Chuckie is his dumbass best friend. They work construction in Boston, despite Will having greater opportunities that none of his friends have. They’re on the jobsite, drinking beer on the hood of a work truck when Will tells Chuckie that he turned down a job with the NSA so that he could live in Boston for the rest of his life. That doesn’t sit right with Chuck:

Look, you're my best friend, so don't take this the wrong way… In twenty years, if you're still livin' here, comin' over to my house to watch the Patriots game, still workin' construction, I'll fuckin' kill you.

Both of them know that, although it would be fun, hanging around would not be best for Will. He has more to give.

You know what the best part of my day is? It's for about ten seconds when I pull up to the curb to  when I get to your door. 'Cause I think maybe I'll get up there and I'll knock on the door and you won't be there.

Friends may want you to stay in your hometown forever. The best ones will understand. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying a simple life, if that’s what truly fulfills you. There’s also nothing wrong with yearning to experience more from life. And you can always go back.

If your friends don’t support goals that inconvenience them, they aren’t real ones. 

What will strangers think?

They’ll think whatever they want, it doesn’t matter. Some will admire you, some will admonish you, some will resent you for doing what they wish they could. Most won’t think about you. In fact, 99.9 percent, with as many nines after that decimal as possible, won’t care. 

People only care about what they care about. To understand the spotlight effect, I recommend going to a crowded public place (Washington Square Park is where I discovered this phenomenon), and doing something harmless and strange. Do a really intense workout, or wear something ridiculous, or just sit there - soaking wet - on a dry, sunny day. A couple people may glance at you, and then that will be it. One brave soul might even ask what your deal is. Then, you will explain your deal, and they will walk away. 

There’s only so much that a stranger can care about, and the likelihood that you are added to the list is incredibly low. If you allow strangers’ opinions to influence life-altering decisions, you’ll never do anything.

Doing whatever you want is not what I’m advocating for. Those young guys who win the lottery “do whatever they want” for a couple years until they end up broke again. I’m not recommending you do “whatever you want.” I’m also not suggesting that nomading the US in an RV is the answer either. Just don’t let someone else’s opinion stop you from pursuing what you believe. Don’t let someone else stop you from being all you can be.